Telling a child that someone they love has died is a particularly hard part of parenthood.

We often hear statements such as: “Children are resilient.” Many children aren’t resilient. They are surviving and getting on with their lives, leaving grief to come out later. Adults might make the mistake of thinking that a child is fine, as they are dancing and smiling, when really, they have pushed the feelings down because they don’t have the tools to deal with them.

When the grief does come out later, perhaps as an adult, they might minimise their grief with the mistaken idea that time should have healed them by now. The unresolved grief will still be inside.

Another term we hear is that adults want to protect children from the hurt of bereavement, and they’re scared of the effect of it. Being strong for our children models the behaviour that when they lose someone, they too must be strong and put on a brave face. It’s not realistic to protect children from everything sad or frightening in life.

What we can do is give them the right tools to deal with emotional pain and grief. Even when we can’t control outside events, we can control how we talk and listen to our children.

What to Say:

When preparing to break the sad news, make sure you’re in a quiet, safe space for the child. Perhaps sit them on your knee or next to you, so you can reach out and give them a hug. Start with, ‘I have some sad news to tell you,’ which will frame what you have to say, then tell them that (name) has died. It is fine to cry in front of them. They will learn that crying is a normal response to loss. It is also acceptable to tell them how you feel, for example, sad that they’re not coming home.

Young children need simple explanations. Left to their own devices and imaginations, children often arrive at incorrect conclusions. Accurate information helps them understand the world around them. They tend to think about things in concrete, literal ways. When talking to children about death, please note the crucial importance of emotional language.

Avoid abstract concepts, such as: ‘Grandma has gone upstairs,’ ‘Grandad is up in the sky,’ or ‘Nanna has passed away.’ Instead, saying they have died is straightforward for them to understand.

We must be careful not to say things such as, ‘He/she’s gone away,’ as this provokes unanswered questions, such as, ‘Where?’ or ‘When are they coming back?’

Avoid saying,’They’re sleeping’……. for how long, when will they wake up? This can also result in an immense fear around sleeping for fear of what might happen.

We’ve lost him/her’…. again, where have they gone? How did they get lost?

The reality is unquestionable when we use the words; ‘die,’ ‘death, or ‘bereavement.’
There really is no way to circumvent death.

If your child hasn’t experienced any kind of death or pet loss before, you might want to use a dead insect in the garden, or a dead bird you spot when you’re out walking as an example, so they know death is final.

Encourage them to ask questions, so you can answer them in an honest, clear and age-appropriate way.

Ask them how they are feeling. Don’t be disappointed if they don’t feel sad straight away, because they may not feel anything yet, and they may not fully understand what it means.