For children, it’s hard for them to imagine what they’ve lost, especially if they haven’t seen a loved one in the final stages of life, or if it’s a sudden loss. As an adult, your raw grief may not be mirrored in your children, as they may not be feeling that loss yet. This might feel frustrating for you. However, the feelings of loss might be delayed or diluted by perhaps not seeing them for a while.

Remember, young children are very much in the present moment. They can go from being sad to playing very quickly.This doesn’t mean they’ve finished grieving. They cope differently to adults. Playing can be a way of distracting themselves from overwhelming feelings. They can also regress to talking like a baby, waking up in the night, and wetting the bed. We are not born with self control and younger children especially handle unusual or difficult situations with a ‘fight or flight’ response. They haven’t quite developed a way to regulate their feelings in a socially acceptable way.

Slightly older children will understand that death is final and may feel overwhelmed by strong feelings. They may feel isolated. If you see them removing themselves or becoming withdrawn, they may not consciously be aware of it, or they might be grieving alone. When other children ask about the death, they may feel ashamed about it, or be embarrassed about their feelings.

Teenagers may feel pressure to appear independent and in control. Their responses may seem grown up and they may present as being fine, and then they might behave selfishly or insensitively, or behave recklessly. Providing opportunities for them to talk to you will help them express their feelings. Revisit these conversations regularly, so they have an outlet for their feelings.

Children may start to worry when anyone they’re close to becomes ill, and may feel unsafe to leave home, as someone might die. They could become anxious about going to school. A conversation with school will mean you can work together to help them feel safe again.

When a child loses a significant person in their life, there are some common symptoms that indicate all is not right with them. A few examples are:

• Reduced ability to concentrate
• Lack of, or too much sleep
• Lashing out
• Anxiety
• Withdral
• Irritability
• Brave front
• A different relationship with food or alcohol
• Sudden changes in behaviour

Grief reactions in younger and older children are typically the same but may present differently. A younger child may have a tantrum, whereas a teenager might slam a door. Knowing these could be symptoms of grief can help children and adults to then start to deal with those underlying feelings.

Children may not know they’re experiencing grief, but it may manifest itself in physical symptoms, for example headaches, lots of colds, unexplained pains, stomach aches, or clenching teeth in their sleep.

How can you help?

Remember that children close their ears to advice but open their eyes to example. How you model grief will set their grief beliefs for life. (No pressure!)

1. Before you start talking, ensure you’re in a safe space to talk without interruption.
2. Don’t try to fix the problem. Instead, start the conversation with being emotionally honest about your feelings. Use ‘feeling’ words, such as ‘I feel sad, scared, exhausted,’ etc. Talk to them in age-appropriate language.
3. Then ask, ‘how are things with you right now?’ The ‘right now’ is important, as this can change with the wind! They might also not feel like talking in that particular moment, and that is fine. Keep checking in at regular intervals, so they know they don’t have to grieve in isolation.
4. Once they start talking, stop yourself from talking and just listen. Stay in the moment while they’re talking and avoid becoming distracted by your own thoughts. You don’t need to add anything, simply let them talk, as grievers need to be heard.
5. Don’t make promises, such as ‘everything is going to be ok.’ Instead, say ‘We’re going to do everything to help us be safe,’ which includes being emotionally safe.
6. You can give them examples and ask: ‘Does that sound like something you might be feeling?’
7. Acknowledge their feelings and reassure them they’re normal and natural reactions to grief. Then ask them if they would like a hug.
8. Communication with school will help, too. School is a safe place for most children with adults they trust. By letting them know what’s going on at home, you can work together to support the child.

Supporting children with their loss will only serve to help with their development into adulthood. Adults who went through a close bereavement as children often face a range of long-term emotional, psychological, and behavioural challenges as a result of their loss. Bereavement during childhood can have a profound impact on future relationships, mental health, and overall well-being.